TWENTY
With lust, you give each other your bodies, but with love, you give each other your souls. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to move on, to get over loving someone who you’ve given your soul to, your very whole being. How are you able to find your way through the darkness without their light? Without them, you lose direction and instead of moving forward, you move in circles. You become stuck in a perpetual cycle of what you can only remember, never live. Space and time cease and the only space left is the hole in your soul. The only time left is the time you once had together. And that time, the memories, that is what stays with you. There’s no getting rid of it. You may bury it as deep as you’d like, but it still lies there in the grave in your soul to remind you. Remind you that you loved, and loved well. That’s why they bury the dead and leave a tombstone, so that whoever lies there can be remembered for their significance however great or small. So whatever pain you endure, or whatever loss you feel, it is your pain and your loss. Parts of you that are significant and remind you of who you are. When you can accept the pain, accept the loss, accept the past, then you will find your own light to guide you through the darkness and your path will straighten out once more and no longer will you be lost going in circles.
NINETEEN
It’s tiring. Exhausting. It can last for days. Years. It changes you. Time helps but even some wounds never mend. They stay with you, in a part of your mind where you thought you had forgotten. Forgotten how good it felt. How bad it felt. But when you’re lying there, alone, it’s clear that you haven’t forgotten. Yes, the past is the past but that does not mean it’s gone and lost forever. It goes with you wherever you go. It’s why you still think of their name when you see a certain object. It’s why you see their face when you’re having the same conversation but with someone else. Let the past be the past, but let it also shape the path of your future. Healing means getting better, not bitter.
EIGHTEEN: A Letter I’ll Never Send
So I am writing you this because I think it is about time you know. Or maybe you have known all this time but never heard it from me, myself. Well, here it is. I liked you. I liked you a lot. Most times I even think that I loved you like I was in love with you, but romantic love is such a big thing that I am not comfortable admitting to. So, I will just say I liked you, and it was more than just a little crush, it was like an infatuation. It was such an intense thing for me. I have never liked someone so much and yet kept it so secret. I always told my girlfriends my crushes but with you, it was so hard to admit and it took me awhile to figure out why. Maybe it was because before I started liking you, you were my friend. My best friend. You were like a brother, and then out of nowhere I start liking you? Yeah, that weirds you out? It weirded me out! And for some time I fought my feelings for you because I felt so wrong and embarrassed. But eventually I had no control over them and I started falling for you. I always wanted to be with you, see you, talk to you. And it seemed like you wanted the same but I knew you couldn’t possibly like me because you were into some other girl! So I kept my feelings to myself. And it was always like that. For a good 3 years I was falling for you while you were always falling for someone else, and the worst part was that we were still best friends! I always gave you advice to help you get with other girls while wishing you would get with me. At one point, you weren’t talking to anyone and for a good month I felt like you liked me. You talked to me like you liked me. You acted like you liked me. You even did things like hold my hand while walking to class that made me think you liked me. And maybe you did like me for that short while, I’ll never truly know. But all those years I spent with only you on my mind, I endured the pain of unrequited love. And after those 3 years, I was exhausted. I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided maybe things would be better if I just cut all connections with you. Because thinking about all the what if’s and what could have been was tearing me a part. What if I hadn’t been such a pussy and just told you I liked you? Would you have realized you liked me too? Maybe we could have been a couple? Maybe I would have finally knew what it felt like to kiss you because I could only imagine or dream of it. All of the stupid mistakes I made filled my mind and it made me bitter. I ended up hating you and liking you at the same time and for everything I did during that rotten time I am sorry. I finally realized after a whole year of misplaced feelings for you that I had been so foolish about everything, and after that day I apologized and cleared the air between us, I can now just call you my friend and be content with it. All that time it was what I missed the most, just being friends with you. Our paths had crossed but never did they intertwine. We might not have been destined to be together as lovers, but I know we were destined to be friends. Now that you have her, you’re so happy. Probably the happiest I’ve ever seen you and definitely more happy than I’ve ever made you. And after all the shit you’ve been through, and what I’ve put you through, I couldn’t be more happy that things are better for you because of her. If you ever do really read this, please know that some of what happened between us may be beyond both our understanding but what I do know is that I love you and will always love you. Maybe not like how I used to, or how I want to, but I do. I love you as a companion, as a friend. Now and forever. I am forever glad and thankful that I have our laughs and fun memories to look back on and smile at, and I hope every once in awhile you think of me and do the same. I know you are capable of doing great things, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Out of all the things I used to hope for from you, I now only hope that you stay happy for the rest of your life and that you never forget me.
SEVENTEEN
He had never experienced such a potent force or knew of such destruction, but his love for her poisoned his very being. He did not think loving someone too much could have such awful consequences. He had become hurtful and selfish and was greedy with her love. One by one, precious things in his life were obliterated while everyone else perished and although the universe had become a stranger to him, she was there. Her love for him still burning with a fiery intensity that could create a thousand suns. And he did not care that their love was vicious or that it inflicted pain on the rest of the world. None of it mattered, for they belonged to each other and that was more than enough. And for the rest of his days, he continued to destroy himself for it was all he knew and all he loved.
SIXTEEN
It was quite unfortunate, that moment when their eyes met. For they only exchanged half smiles and not a single word was uttered. And though her eyes were polite, behind them was the silent ache which radiated throughout her entire body. It was truly unfortunate, for he did not know of her pain, and he never would.
FIFTEEN
Throughout most of his days, he always just looked at her without much thought, but as she spilled her heart out to him, he could not just look at her. No, he noticed her. Noticed how the different shades of her hair glistened in the sun. That her eyes were a little too far apart and that the tears flowing down her cheeks had crossed paths with her freckles. He noticed her lips and how they quivered as she confessed. The length of her neck and shape of her jaw. Things he would have never considered looking at but now found them beautiful. She continued to spill her heart out on the canvas of his mind and he could see now what a masterpiece it was. She had colored his soul with love. And his days without her would no longer exist for he would keep her in his heart always.
FOURTEEN
His eyes, my resistance. He’s looking, but I can’t let him see. His smile, my scorn. He’s happy, but I can’t be happy for him. His voice, my silence. He speaks, but I can only listen. His words, my thoughts. He’s telling me something, but it’s what I already knew. His glance, my yearning. His desires are secretly, the same as mine. His choice, my pain. He could but he won’t, and I wish he would but I know he won’t.
THIRTEEN
When all the things you worked so hard to get back— the strength, the courage, and self preservation, all come falling down along with the wall you spent all your days and nights rebuilding, parts of yourself that you thought you’d thrown away suddenly come back and attach themselves to you in excruciating ways. Everything you fought so hard and desperately to banish— the feelings and your vulnerability, they flood the dark chambers in the dungeon of your heart. That’s when you realize feelings make you weak and they’re the reason why you were destroyed in the first place. If you don’t have butterflies or any reconnecting feelings that disconnect your mind from your heart, then that’s when you’re strongest, meaning you can keep yourself together better than anyone else.
TWELVE
Hating the person who hurt you most doesn’t make you feel better. Wallowing in self pity makes you even weaker. And changing yourself in hopes of forgetting that person and who you were with them doesn’t work because although you can try to change how you feel, you can never change your memories. You learn that living in fear gets you nowhere and people will tear you apart. You just have to find those worth suffering for. That person didn’t love you. They didn’t want you. They broke your heart that one time. But you, YOU break your own heart over and over everytime you replay conversations in your head. Everytime you stay up at night thinking about “what ifs”, wishing things were different, wishing you hadn’t missed your chance, or wondering what could have been. In the end, you realize through all the pain, you don’t have to constantly hurt over that one person who doesn’t love you back because eventually you will find someone who will.
ELEVEN
You know you’re over that person when, after all the hurt is gone, finally, you can smile. And you smile not because you’re glad that it’s gone or because you’re stronger, but because it feels good, because there’s no need to fake happiness anymore.
TEN
I am utterly filled with the bittersweetness of you. Though I refuse them, all feelings both bitter and sweet are inevitable. I am torn between hating you and loving you for everything you make me feel and I find myself exhausted of the constant fight. I am aware of what these feelings are doing to me yet I cannot extinguish them no matter how much I struggle to. And as I absorb all your sweetness, I also absord all the accompanying bitterness and though it hurts me, your sweetness is too irresistable that I continue to let it fill me because I know that I would rather have the good with the bad than have nothing at all. And the best part is feeling all those sweet nothings of which I cannot justify with any word of any language. And the worst part is feeling rejection wash through me even though I have not received it. I guess i just can’t help myself because although the after taste is bitter, every single bite is sweet.
NINE
Your words are dangerous. Whether they be spoken consciously or not. I believe you are unaware of this, which is why I’m telling you now. Though I can be a silly girl, I take things very seriously. More especially, your sweet words. I take those words so seriously that I feel entirely happy once I hear them. But as I replay them in my head, I injure myself. I injure myself because I realize how foolish I must have been to absorb those words of which you spoke and let them fill my entire being with so much hope. Hope that will eventually be wasted because that’s what reconnecting feelings do to you. How vulnerable I feel, listening to your words. For I will always be in constant danger of them. In constant danger of hurting myself. And it is through my own fault, that such words are construed more deeply and more meaningful than what they are truly meant to be. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I misinterpret those completely meaningless words to which you are innocent of. I’m sorry it seems as if I hate you for the cause of my pain, when really I hate myself. So just know now, that although many say actions speak louder than words, and that actions mean more than words, words also have their own power over the afflicted. And not only can they be beautiful, but they can also be destructive.
EIGHT
I want to know what it feels like. I want to feel like I’m falling into pieces. I want to feel the torn edges of my heart quiver with every sweet memory. I want it to break and feel like there’s only that one person who can put it back together again. I want to cry my heart out until my tears dry out. I want to sink in a bottomless pool of heartache. For if I know true heartbreak then I would have known true love. I would burn in the flames of misery to float upon the clouds of bliss. I would drink the poison if it were the sweetest. I would swim across the cruel ocean to set foot on the lands of paradise. One cannot know true love without knowing true pain. If there is no pain, no loss, no suffering, then there is nothing worth fighting for and nothing to make me strong.
SEVEN
My heart is swelling and my chest is constricting. And I can’t breathe. And through my tears of agony, I smile at the memories of laughter. And I’m so helpless, hopeless, and exhausted. And I’m so alone, just waiting. And then I think of you and my hearts swells so much It feels like it’s going to explode, my chest is crushing me, and I’m suffocating. And I can’t see through my tears but I’m laughing. And now Im happy, hopeful, and alive. And I’m not alone anymore because you’re here with me, in my thoughts, and i don’t have to wait anymore.
SIX
i was lost in the dark, then you came along
you brightened my life, you were my sun
you lessened the pain, you made me feel warm
but its still not the same, and i wish it was enough
